This year my new year's resolution was to be more positive. I found that I needed to lose the negativity in my life that often brews inside me and comes out in different ways, usually as a foul attitude. This would seem simple enough, but once a negative attitude has become commonplace in my daily life it is not so easy to change the habit. Add in that primary elections are coming up next month so the television and newspapers are filled with negativity.
From the time I thought about changing my attitude I was focusing only on what I think about and what I say about (maybe write about) others. I need to find a way trim out the "he sucks" "she sucks" "they suck" "that's crap" spouts that shoot out of my mouth faster than my brain could process them. Being a sports fan it is easy to get into a routine of fun trash-talking... but then when the game is over that trash-talking continues... and then often it is not even fun anymore just mean spirited.
The other morning LP reminded me about something I never thought about - I need to change the way I look at myself. I need to lose the negativity towards myself. I get hung up on this positive self stuff as being too New-Age-y for me. Being unemployed for over a year can lead to depression... but instead I have taken to being extremely critical of myself. I have dedicated so much time to trying to figure out all of my failures and why I lack in so many areas. This constant berating of myself has worn me down in too many ways. How am I able to change the negativity that comes out of my mouth if I am not able to think positively about myself?
I do know the easy answer to feel better is finding a job. I know that if I get hired I will feel a certain self-worth that has been absent for a while. I also know that I cannot wait for others to change what is all mine... myself, my self-worth, my self-esteem. I have to realize that what good things people tell me they truly mean and that they are not just words. I need to remind myself every day that I am truly blessed to be a stay-at-home dad and that alone should fill me with more happiness and self-worth to last a life time.
"I just need somewhere to dump all my negativity."
- Van Morrison