iSuck.

I am not a fan of Apple Computers (now just Apple, or Apple Inc, or something like that since they don't just make computers... they make a lifestyle... so does that include condoms?). I am not a flag-waiving PC fan either, I just use what best suits my needs. But it seems like people who are into Apple are way into Apple. They drink the Kool-Aid. They get the Apple tattoos. Sad.

I have a Mac at work because I need it for graphics. The battery lasts about 45 minutes tops. Gee that's great. And my iPod holds a charge for about 30-45 minutes as well. Lovely. The best part (sarcasm implied) is in the winter on my walks to work when it is around or below 15-20 degrees my iPod loses it... it freezes up, it shuts down, it stays on the same song over and over - and on a good cold day it will keep a fully charged battery for about 15 minutes. So that makes the second half of my walk music free. Boooo. And you can tell me that in the cold weather electronics don't work right... but my smartphone works fine (no problems at all).

I agree that Apple make some cool looking products, and on some levels seems to be a step ahead of the game. But I cannot wait for next winter in Chicago when all those people have the new iPhone and none of them work right. I'm not saying don't buy Apple... I'm saying don't buy things based on the fact that everyone else has one and they come in a cool box... and please don't drink the Cupertino Kool-Aid.

Cold.

Question: How cold is it in Chicago this morning?
Answer: So cold that on my walk to work this morning my eyes would not stop leaking, my nose would not stop running, and I realized that my mouth was frozen and the tears and snot were bouncing off my lower lip and running down my chin. To add to this lovely sight... I discovered I was drooling. So with all of that mixed in and I had a lovely frozen tearsnotdrool waterfall on my chin. Yes I had tissues, but my constant wiping was losing the battle, and it added little pieces of white tissue to my face.
Next time this happens I'll get a picture of it for you all. Yea for winter!

So Many Lines.

This past weekend I watched the 1996 movie Jerry Maguire... for the first time. It was on the television Sunday morning so I watched it (commercials and all). It's just one of the movies that I had never seen (probably because Tom Cruise annoys the hell out of me). And since I truly believed that I was the last person on the earth not to have seen it - I watched it.

There are so many famous (or just over-used?) lines in the movie. I could not believe it. I knew about the "Show me the money," but I did not know that "You complete me," and "Help me help you" came from this movie. Crazy. My entire world view has changed (not really) and I understand (or get the joke*) more... just because I watched Jerry Maguire.

All in all it was an average movie that I'll probably never watch again, but at least I can say I've seen it.
*Note: Austin Powers is more funny now.

Me (kind of).

Happy Friday. In honor of all of you bloggers that have a real photo of yourself on your profile, and those that put personal photos on your posts... I am sharing with you a photo of me. I know you're all dying to know what I look like. Well here I am, kind of. OK, baby steps. I am not ready to expose myself to the world like some of you are... I am not as tough as you all. I was going to change my profile photo... but I have been Clifford the Big Red Dog for a good amount of time, I think I will keep him around.

I took this photo a few weeks ago in downtown Chicago at the Bean.

A Cocaine Question.

I'm not sure why this is my post today - most likely because I listened to Blondie ("Parallel Lines") this morning...

Can someone explain coke mirrors to me? I know what they are used for... I just do not understand why they have to be mirrors. Do they have to be mirrors? Can't people use anything that has a smooth and flat surface to cut their coke on? If they have to be mirrors, why has no one come out with a line of fashionable coke mirrors? Maybe they have and I'm just living in the dark.

I've never tried cocaine for three simple reasons:
1. Too expensive, and none of my friends were ever into it. I'd rather buy new records than cocaine.
2. If I ever did it I'd probably get caught and get thrown in jail... and we all know that going to jail is not a good thing.
3. I'd be that one guy who did it once and died. Everyone would be sitting around my dead body (high as a kite) saying "Dude, I can't believe he died. Dude, he died! Dude, HE DIED! Let's go dump him in the Chicago River." Yeah... not fun.

Eyebrows.

These are my eyebrows. Yep. There they are. I see them every morning in the mirror and always wonder if they need to be smaller. Should they be trimmed? Waxed? Colored? I will trim a hair that has gone askew, but a full on trim I have never done (Except for this one time I went to get my hair cut and the lady just trimmed them without even asking. She just made them all a little shorter, no shaping took place). I do take care of the hairs in the middle so I will not have a unibrow. I am just afraid that if I do trim, or have someone else trim/ shape, everyone will notice that I trim my eyebrows. Or if I do it myself I'll end up looking like the guy from "The Wall."

Should men even touch their eyebrows? And if so, to what extent? And this excludes all guys that are models, actors, drag-queens, etc... men that have to clean up the hairs on their entire head for their careers.

Rachel, Oh Rachel.

I will admit I was a Rachel Ray fan at the beginning. I was absorbed by her down to earth manner and her goofy, sort of dorky, personality. She is just short of being a snorter (the laughing snorter, not the cocaine snorter). Rachel's love of beer and baseball spoke to me. And although LP has always been bothered by the way she has to tuck in her shirt with every outfit she wears, she let me be captivated by Rachel Ray. I bought her first two cookbooks, and then bought the next two right when they came out. They were all pretty bad (but I did not admit this at the time). Really. The recipes are mediocre to good at best. The cookbooks are sub par. There are no pictures that go along with the recipes... this is something I find to be very useful when cooking. I do not need pictures on my menu, but on my recipes I like to have them.

I kept on watching the Food Network shows that Rachel was apart of although the rest of my family poked fun at me. $40 A Day was hit or miss, but I tried to always catch the episodes I had an interest in... sure she spent $40 on food that day, but she spent $300 on other activities and nick-knacks she purchased. Not to mention the car Rachel rented and the hotel she stayed at. Oh Rachel. But she charmed me... she did. Hook, Line and Sinker.

And then about six months ago I started noticing Rachel Ray's image started popping up on everything. Everything. Go into a grocery store today and you will see Rachel's mug on at least three magazines and five boxes of crackers, chips, frozen food, or other packaged goods. Rachel has a talk show now (although I have never seen it) and she has a magazine. Does someone want to be Oprah? And now, these FHM photos. Wow. Not good. I am not even sure if they are real since I am not an avid reader (or looker) of FHM, but if they are... wowzers. Speechless. Good call? Don't think so.

Rachel go back to why I dig you... baseball and beer. Keep it simple. Too much Rachel is not a good thing. For now I am done with you. I have had enough Rachel Ray to last a life time. I am moving on... and that does not mean I am moving on to Paula Deen (ug).

Da Shuffle.

In honor of the Chicago Bears' win yesterday and NFC championship...

We are the Bears Shufflin' Crew
Shufflin' on down, doin' it for you.
We're so bad we know we're good.
Blowin' your mind like we knew we would.
You know we're just struttin' for fun
Struttin' our stuff for everyone.
We're not here to start no trouble.
We're just here to do the Super Bowl Shuffle.

Walter Payton
Well, they call me Sweetness,
And I like to dance.
Runnin' the ball is like makin' romance.
We've had the goal since training camp
To give Chicago a Super Bowl Champ.
And we're not doin' this
Because we're greedy.
The Bears are doin' it to feed the needy.
We didn't come here to look for trouble,
We just came here to do The Super Bowl Shuffle.

William Perry
You're lookin' at the Fridge,
I'm the rookie.
I may be large, but I'm no dumb cookie.
You've seen me hit, you've seen me run,
When I kick and pass, we'll have more fun.
I can dance, you will see
The others, they all learn from me.
I don't come here lookin' for trouble,
I just came here to do The Super Bowl Shuffle.

Go Bears!!!

A wet question.

Chicago received a few inches of snow over the weekend. Nothing over the top, but enough to cover everything except the salted streets. So for some stupid reason I decided to wear my All-Star low tops for my walk this morning. Hello? By the time I got to work my shoes were wet, my jeans were wet, and my feet are frozen. Lovely.

Now I am not in the mood to write much today (because of the frozen toes), so I will pose a question to you that I've been thinking about. My question of the day is: Is it alright to look for a new job while at your current job? Or what about applying for new jobs during your work day? My thought is no. But so many people do it. What you think?

Goodbye Bloggers.

Why are you leaving? Why have you stopped writing? Did you get fired? Did you get a life and now cannot find any free time to upload new and entertaining stories? Did your computer die? So many of you are leaving us... and I do not understand why. Think about us! Think about the people who count on your entries each and every day. THINK!

Simon.

I'm a fan of American Idol. I've been an avid viewer for all five seasons... and I have enjoyed the first two episodes of season six. For me, the first few weeks are top because the walk-in tryouts are a hoot. Yes, I said a hoot. It's just brainless television that is good to veg out to... and sometimes you need that.

The public loves to bag on Simon Cowell because he is so outspoken. He is so blunt and often tells people what their friends and family should of told them years before (you can't sing). But we all know it is sometimes very difficult to tell friends or family members they are tone deaf. And if you look back at Simon's criticism (constructive, maybe not) he is often right. He usually knows who will succeed and who will not. He might not know everything, but he seems to know quite a bit about pop music, and what it takes to make it big.

But... and there is always a but, or butt. Last night's episode from Seattle was too much. Simon was beyond cruel. To make fun of a person's horrific singing is one thing, but to make fun of their looks is distasteful and rude. If someone cannot sing and they are so awful, I think the judges have a right to inform them point blank that they are terrible. These people should of had someone in their life tell them it's a bad idea to go to the tryouts. And yes, some of these terrible singers probably knew they would not make it to Hollywood and just wanted to get on television, or just wanted to meet a group of celebrities.

But Simon, making fun of a contestant's eyes, or teeth, or weight is disgraceful and sad. You don't know what issues these people have. You don't know what struggles these people have been through. And Randy and Paula... shame on you for laughing when the doors close... it still made it on to television for all to see.

Oh Joy.

So what did I do on my MLKJ holiday? I was a good American and took the day off. My company did not have it off, I just took it. Sometimes you have to fight for things... so I did. And on my day off I was a good American and sat at home and watched television.

BUT I was productive. I did manage to finally watch an episode of The View. Dear readers... you are right, I'm not Elizabeth. I am Joy. Kind of a smart-ass. Kind of funny. Tries really hard to stay on the topic. But does not need to be the center of attention. Yet I am still cute like Elizabeth... although Elizabeth was wearing this awful zebra print top. Not good. Rosie was loud mouth Rosie. She kept yelling out "I'm Gay! And loud." But the most annoying person had to be Barbara WaWa. She is the pits. I do not wish Barbara WaWa on anyone. And I really do not wish The View on anyone since the episode I watched was boring.

A Model Citizen.

Do you remember model airplanes? Does anyone remember model airplanes? Do they still make them? When I was little my older brother was into them and I so desperately wanted to put together one. But of course, I had to stay far away or I would break it, or screw it up somehow. And don't feel bad for me, I would of. I seem to f-up lots of stuff when I was young. Kind of a mix between clumsy and clueless. I would of picked up a finished airplane and the wing would fall off... that was just my luck.

But oh how I wanted to put together my very own model. All by myself. Paint it. Slap on the decals. And then place it on a shelf in my bedroom so it could collect dust and cobwebs. I wanted to have an entire collection of Flying Tigers, Blue Angels, and B-1 Bombers.

Alas, it was not my calling. I got Legos. And Legos were pretty great... and kept me busy for many hours. Looking back on it, I think I got Legos because my parent's didn't want me sniffing the glue or paint. Instead I ate one of the Legos... a Blueberry Lego.

Go Bears!

Go Bears! Bye Bye Seattle! What a fantastic game! Wow! ...Uh, I actually did not see it. LP and I went to the opera instead. We had tickets way in advance which ended up being bad timing, but I was not too bummed out since the Bears did lose in the first round last year. And let me tell you... the talk at the Civic Opera House was about the Bears. At every intermission of Die Fledermaus people pulled out their smartphones and looked up the score. So funny. That is how much a football town Chicago is. Die Fledermaus was very good. The Bears' win was better!

Liar's Club (The View).

Most of you, if not all of you, read The [Cherry] Ride... so you know about the new Liar's Club. But if you did not get the 411 on yesterday's post... here it is. A new blog collective written by Cherry, Dr.Ken, Classy, and myself. It's a blog to make Chicagoans proud... and lets other cities know that Chicago has got it goin' on! And we definitely got it goin' on.

Is this Chicago's version of The View? No way. Not even close. But thinking about it... that would be kind of cool. The View might be my favorite daytime television show I've never watched. To be clear, we're talking about The View before Rosie came aboard. Rosie brought the show down. She hogs the entire show. She constantly talks over everyone. She's a bully. I was never opposed to Rosie... until she joined The View. She is better off going back to her own show. And no, I am not a Donald Trump fan... that is not where this is coming from (I've never seen his shows either). So if this Liar's Club could ever be the new View, I'd have to be Elizabeth Hasselbeck. I'm a Survivor, or at least I think I could be (at least I've seen that show). I could easily take people shopping in the mall on a tight budget. I'm married. I'm cute. I could go blond if need be. I'm not as right-winged as the real Elizabeth, but I am focusing more on the cute factor here. If you have bad thoughts of Elizabeth, just put those aside and focus on the positive when you think of the new Elizabeth (me).

I will not speculate on who Cherry, Classy, and Dr. Ken would be (Barbara Wawa, Joy, Star Jones, Meredith, Debbie, or Lisa Ling?). That's for them to decided. Just make sure you check up on the Liar's Club every so often. Go Go Chicago.

Our Song(s).

Hall & Oates popped up on several blogs last past few months, so I am going to add on to all of that. No, I did not meet them, did not do drugs with them, and did not see them live. Nothing that exciting. Can Hall & Oates be that exciting? Actually I never really liked them... I found the cheese factor to be too high.

But - Hall & Oates sings our song. You know, that song a couple has, and every time you hear it you are reminded of how much you are in love, or were in love, or how you met, or something like that. "You Make My Dreams" is LP & my song*. Yep. The song picks you... you should never sit down and pick the song. I'm not talking about the song during your first dance at your wedding, because most people hand pick that (and would not pick a Hall & Oates song... but "Maneater" would be pretty classic). And I am sure not every couple has a song... it might even be a dying tradition. If I was to pick the song it would not be by Hall & Oates. But funny enough, "You Make My Dreams" seems to come on the radio a few times each road trip we take. And it pops up in other surprisingly nice times in our lives.

And what do I think about when I hear it? I remember living in NYC and meeting LP for the first time. I remember immediately knowing I was going to marry her... I even told a few people that the day after I first met her. I remember how my life changed completely in 1998. And you know, it's nice to be reminded of that.

* Side Note: LP likes to think that our song is "Let's Stay Together" by Al Green... but she is just wanting it to be that song, not that the song chose us, not like "You Mke My Dreams". So we kind of have two songs. Kind of.

Thanks.

Thanks readers for dealing with my crankiness yesterday. Life is much better when people console you, and also when people tell you that you're wrong and to get over it.

I'm better now.

Tired Of.

I woke up cranky today... not sure why. I am just cranky. So why not have a cranky post for my cranky day. Here is a list of things I am tired of:

1. Guns n' Roses: Get over it Axl. You are done. The new songs are horrible. Why doesn't Axl Rose just put out a solo record... why does he have to keep flogging the dead horse called Guns n' Roses?

2. Reunion Tours: Please stop. All of you bands and solo performers (I'm talking to you Cher and Miss Yentl) who called it quits. There was a time and place for you and it has gone.

3. Come Backs: If I am going to bitch about performers, I need to add in atheletes too. Michael Jordon retired how many times? Now please stop Roger Clemens from coming back.

4. Big 80's Belt Fashion: Ladies... it never looked good.

5. Horrible Blogs: Some of you might be saying "Like This One!" Boring ass sappy crap. Lifetime is not going to hire you to write a movie, so quit writing this stuff.

6. The Flaming Lips: They are so way past done.

7. ER: I have never seen an episode, but I am tired of watching the commercials.

8. People saying "Google It."

9. Diet Coke: People are so hooked on it. People who drink Diet Coke buy it in 24 packs. Problem? Think so.

10. Young People: Seeing people ten years younger than me with a better job makes me ill. I'm tired of you all.

11. Anti-Bush Statements: It's just getting old. I want to get a new president office so we can all start bitching about someone new. Eight years of complaining about one person is too long. Four years should be the max.

12. Lite beer.

13. Pro-basketball: Does anyone really watch it?

14. Days when I wake up Cranky.

NYC Smells.

Everyone seems to be writing about the news reports of the funky smell in NYC. The city blames Jersey. And this is absorbing everyone's attention. What happened to the good old days when NYC smelled every day? When I lived there in the 90's, every summer day smelled like piss... and no one got alarmed, no one blamed Jersey (well, some did). Move on people.

Sacajawea... just not here.

This past weekend LP and I went to this hip greeting card store in Lakeview called Paperboy. Their cards are not cheap, but some times you don't want to give the standard Hallmark card to someone and Paperboy really does have some sharp unique offerings. We picked out this tiny Thank You card that was $4 + tax. At the register the girl rang it up and it came to $4 and some change. I handed her four dollar bills and then asked LP if she had any change (she usually has change). LP just pulled out some pennies and a Sacajawea. Perfect. One golden Sacajawea makes it $5. The girl looked at us and said "Uh, yeah, we don't accept those. They, uh, don't, like, fit with our deposit system." WTF? Are you kidding me? This is real U.S. money. This is another account of the white man (or indie rock chick) crapping on the Native American. Crapajawea!
* I will say that Sacajaweas are not so ideal to hold on to and carry around. We received thirteen of them as chance to our tickets on CalTrain. We ended up getting rid of most of them in SF, but we still have this one little coin left. This one little coin that is worth nothing at one store in Chicago. Sad.

Terence Trent d'oh!

This one goes out to The Gancer for his post yesterday... and a Happy 30th!

People who know me well know I get almost all lyrics to songs wrong. I even sing "Jingle Bells" wrong... you mean it's not "In A One Horse Soap And Sleigh?" Yesterday when I got home I started cooking in the kitchen and put on some tunes. The first choice was "The Tom Moulton Mix, Vol. 1" - and even though this is a fantastic disco collection, I could not sing along. So on came Terence Trent d'Arby's fine (but a little dated) "Introducing the Hardline According to Terence Trent d'Arby" album. Now I know the words to this one. "Wishing Well" came on... I'm singing... I'm cooking... I'm thinking what I always think when I hear this song - I can't believe they did not edit this song on the radio. You know the part where he sings... "A wishing well, a crock of dogshit." So I looked at the lyrics clearly printed on the sleeve (knowing I'm usually wrong). Really? It's "... of crocodile tears?" Doh!

Marching Bands.

Why do marching bands exists? Really. I'm not talking about how they came about. I'm not debating the greatness of the musical "The Music Man." I am wondering why marching bands still exist in 2007. After watching ten seconds of the Sugar Bowl half time "show" last night I just could not understand how such terrible entertainment still exists. Is it entertainment?

The Cover.

Dear (name of publisher),

I am working on my goals for 2007, and one of these would be to get a book deal. OK, the goal is really to get a column (to be published), but I figured my parents would be more excited about my accomplishment if I landed a full-blown book deal. I mean anyone can write a column in a magazine, right? So I've been thinking that you may want to release my collection of writings. I have done most of the work on the cover art, so you will not need to invest any time on graphic artists, or a marketing team, to help come up with an eye catching cover. The following are some of my ideas.

First we have the Jane Austin look. No, my writings are not romantic, they hardly make sense... but we all know how these sappy love stories sell. Two words: Period Piece. People (OK, the ladies) will be picking up this book for purchase just because of the cover. There might even be a movie deal just because of the cover. Think about it... a movie deal! The money would be pouring in just because of this cover. We could get Hugh Grant and Amy Grant to be in the movie. We could do a book tour with the real Jane Austin, kind of ride her coattails. I am confident this is the look you are going for.

Next we have the children book / self-help book cover. Both genres are very popular and sell remarkably well. If Madonna can do it, so can I! Yes, I do understand that children should not be reading this trash, and this will probably help no one - but that is not the point. The point, of course, is to sell books. I am not opposed to making this a partial pop up. And if we could appear on Oprah this would ignite units to move off the shelves. I am also not opposed to putting Oprah on the cover.

Yes, I will sink as low as to placing Michael Bolton on my cover if it means a book deal. I am sure I can pay off the Michael Bolton fan club to use the quote. We could do books on tape and have the real Michael Bolton sing the book (music by Kenny G, of course). I am hopeful we could even get Michael to grow out his hair again... how could he ever cut his hair? The longer the Bolton hair, the more albums (and books) sold. I would also be totally fine with putting a picture of the Titanic or a unicorn on the cover.

Let me know what you think. And no, the book has not been written yet... not even started, but how hard could it be to write of book?

Sincerely,
5 of 9er.

Flying.

I hate flying. I hate flying. I hate flying. Really... I really really hate flying. The worst part... it seems to get worse every time I fly. I wish I could get over it, but for some reason I cannot. I do better when I fly with someone I know, but that does not make it completely alright.

I usually tell people I am not afraid of dying, since that is usually the first question I get when someone finds out that I am afraid of flying. But I've been thinking about it. Yes, I am afraid of dying. Afraid of blowing up in the sky. Afraid of a free fall where I get a few minutes to completely lose my shit before hitting the ground and blowing up. And 9/11... that did a lot of damage to me.

I am sure this makes me less of a person... less of a normal person. But this last trip to California was not so fun. The flight home to Chicago was bumpy and I thought about barfing, but thankfully my breakfast stayed down. And I can be honest, most people would have told you that it was a smooth flight - but not for me. A big part of what makes flying not so fun is that I am usually uncomfortable. I am over 6' and my knees spend the entire flight shoved into the seat in front of me. So mix that with not being able to sit still... I cannot sit still ever. Don't sit behind me in a movie theater because I'm the person always fidgeting in my seat. And sleeping on a plane will never happen... I just cannot seem to do it. I have flown first class and that seems to help. A little leg room and bottomless wine seem to do wonders. But I cannot afford first class and booze on every flight.

Not sure what to do about it. Not sure how to get over it. Not sure how I have ever made it to Europe. Not sure how the hell I am going to ever make it back. File under: something to work on, or never get a job that requires travel.

New Years Resolutions.

OK... so another year is here. 2007. And with another year comes my new year's resolutions. I am usually good about keeping one of them, but last year... well I can only remember one from last year and it did not go so well. This year I am posting them here so I can look back and remember them, and see how well I've done.

1. Skateboard more. This was the only one from last year I could remember. I did not do so well in accomplishing my goal... so I am moving it to 2007. I know I am not in my 20's any more... I have not been there for a few year now, but skateboarding is something I've been doing since age ten, and I don't want to get all old and stop now.

2. Drink Less. I'm not a raging alcoholic, but I probably drink too much. So I am thinking I should cut back. The only problem is... LP's resolution is to drink more wine.

3. Read More Books. I'm one of those people who like to buy books but seldom reads them.

4. Spend Less. Maybe I should stop buying more books and read the ones I have.

5. Get A Column. There are lots of magazines and papers in Chicago and they all have crappy writers doing weekly or daily columns. Why can't I be one of those crappy columnists?

Happy New Years!